You Are An Amazing Mama!

I don’t know when she learnt to frenchplait. 
I don’t remember setting out to tell her a bunch of things to be honest. 
Somehow she knows them though. 
Somehow she’s grown into a girl with dexterous fingers, a smart mind, a kind heart and those sharp deep blue eyes just keep getting bluer. 

I’m aware that I am more than half through the time I will likely have her at home with me. She was about five in this photo and I've had that long again. How already?
It’s been said that the days are long but the years are short. Never a truer word. 

I’m half terrified, half thrilled. 

What other things has she learnt unknown to me?
What does she think about herself?
What else am I supposed to teach her before she sets out on her own?

You know, more than what I’ve taught her, I have found myself learning from her every day. 
She’s pushed buttons, tested limits and no doubt has more where all that came from. 
I’ve also learnt to pause and appreciate the small things, to look for the best in people, to do the work in me to be better. 

If I’m honest, the first years particularly I struggled through motherhood. Confused and uncertain of what this new role meant. 
Even though I wanted it, chose it and was given it miraculously, it came to me relatively young. 
Married at 20, A mum just days from my 25th birthday.

I rebelled internally at what I thought a mother should be. 
Struggled to find an ease. Prayed the days would end when they’d just begun. 
While at the same time I was grateful I’d even been able to have them. 
I snuggled them close, wished they wouldn’t grow so fast and tried to catalogue memories in my mind for later. 

I don’t think we talk about that enough. 
The very real experience that sometimes you get something you thought you really wanted and then don’t know what to do with it. 
That it’s OK for there to be duplicity. 
Ok for you to love and hate things in the same breath. 

So this ones for all the mamas. 
When you’re rushing out the door, dropping them at daycare wondering if you’re doing the right thing. You’re amazing
When you’re at home wishing you were at work. You’re still amazing
When you’re cleaning up another mess. You’re amazing
When you’re hiring a house cleaner. You’re still amazing. 

You are amazing.