--- Everything looked so good on the surface but I was DYING inside. Stuck. Frustrated. Overwhelmed ---
It was a long house with two ends, a lounge and a bright green kitchen joining them in the middle. We took the lease agreement for the whole thing and had other people living with us down one end of the house to help pay the rent while we lived in the other end with our two kids.
I had a warm dry space for my new baby and the toddler had room to play. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t great either.
I remember sitting on the couch in the little sunroom staring into nothing. ⛅️
People tried to tell me it was natural. I’d just had a baby and my body had been through a lot but I KNEW. I knew deep inside that it wasn’t about that.
I loved my kids but it was about how STUCK I felt. How monotonous life was. I KNEW there was more.
Life wasn’t what I THOUGHT it would be and I wondered if I’d ever get back to that version of me who knew who she was.
I wondered if I’d even know how to find that girl again. 💃
The self assured, expressive, certain of herself one who’d been repressed under the weight of life. The weight of stuff she had no control over. The weight of expectations she bought into.
I sat on the couch, with a three month old and a serious whack of pain and depression again.
We’d done all the things we could to try and make life work.
To try and FIX me. 🛠
- Adjusted my husbands work hours so I wasn’t alone with the kids,
- Used our tax refund to pay for home help,
- Done another lot of testing and treatments at the doctor and still here I was, staring into nothing.
Thoughts of leaving it all behind flitted through my mind again and I knew something had to change. I couldn’t go back there. Couldn’t let myself go that deep again.
I knew it in my bones, deep down inside that I had to fight.
I had to CHOOSE, with all my heart, with all my mind.
Had to TRUST that I wasn’t buried, I was planted.
This frustration was the thing that would make me grow. It would make me stronger.
Come hell or high water, I HAD to get out of this rut.
>> And so I said YES <<
I picked up my phone and text her back.
I made a time.
A time to sit with a women who could draw me, almost literally, out of where I was.
An art therapist who had extended the offer of working with her and I had been so hesitant.
Every independant bone in my body said ‘I don’t need you’.
The feeling that I was letting people down and caving in was almost overwhelming but still I said YES.
It’s one of the top five YES’s of my life. 💕
I’d love to tell you it was one session and I was free as a bird but it wasn’t. There were moments. One after the other.
What it really was, was a gradual homecoming.
A process of letting who I am find a home in me.
An unravelling of the tightly wound expectations I’d coiled myself in.
I began to see myself differently. To engage in the world in a new way. I allowed HOPE a look in.
Chose to write and paint and move my way out.
Suddenly colour. Suddenly freedom.
Suddenly joy unexplainable and I could see a way forward.
I kept the dream in front of me.
Then I started to step right into that dream.
> To pull it down and make it my reality.
I created steps on a path to my new future day by day.
And all of those steps began with my YES.
Now I get to say YES to all the things that light me up.
- Flexible work hours doing a job I LOVE
- Travel and adventure.
- Clients that make me so damn proud of them and feel like sisters.
- A lifestyle where I can run and explore in the wild, in our home, with my man and kids.
- Time for all the art and expression that fuels my soul
- Impact and the money to give and change lives.
- Daily writing, sitting in a cafe, dreaming and planning for even bigger things
There is a YES that’s waiting for you.
A YES inside your ‘stuck and frustrated’.
A YES inside your overwhelm that is calling you out of it.
A dream to step into.
A new way of living, moving and being in the world that is your most fully expressed self.
A love, a hope, a freedom that knows no bounds.
Are you ready to step into the next version of YOU?.