Deja Vu

Deja vu. 
Ever get that feeling and just know you never want to go back?

Today I was stuck. Treading water. Sinking deep. 
But wait.. I don’t do stuck. Ok, so I wasn’t really stuck, but I had all those stuck feelings again. 

I was working on a backstory for something I’m writing. Trying to explain where I’ve come from. 
Not the mum and dad, two sisters and a brother in a small country town of New Zealand bit. 
I was writing the heart parts of my story. The pain parts. The stuck story. 

It was all there. So fresh. I could feel it again in my body, my heart constricted and I knew I had to write it fast. 
To get it out of me and onto the page. 
I’d like to say I headed straight to my journal afterwards to reframe all those feelings but I didn’t. 
I sat with them for a while for some reason. I felt them rising, my throat tightening and my muscles wincing. 

Deja vu. 

It was clear to me I never want to go back. Not now, not ever. 
Ultimately fight rises in me every time I feel like that again. 
I will always search for freedoms words in those moments. 
The words which drive a stake through the head of pain.
I’ll always look for ways to rise from that place and not give it permission to hold me. 

If you’re there, don’t stay there beautiful. Please don’t. 
I can’t bear it to think that you feel so stuck still. 
Stuck is such an awful space. It’s so crippling. So all consuming. 

Go back to the free place. If you don’t remember it, never stop seeking. I promise you it’s there for you. 
The place where you run through the fields of your mind, arms wide, embracing the sun and the wind in your hair. 
Find the wide open spaces where you plant small seedlings and they grow into mighty oaks. 
The space where you breathe in clarity, hope and joy till it revives every cell in your body. 

Stuck on the outside is hard to be sure. 
When you’re wondering about idea’s, how to make things happen, building a business, pushing it all uphill trying to hustle your way to what you want. 
Except that kind of stuck is easily solved.That’s a conversation, a little knowledge some perspective and assistance. 
That kind of stuck is not scary. 

Stuck on the inside though. Oh that’s so much worse. 
You know it.. that creeping feeling. Like you’ll never escape it’s grip. 
Because wherever you go, it’s there with you. 
That’s because feeling stuck is never really about needing ideas, or strategies or how to’s. 
It’s about running away from what's going on inside of you. Trying to find a way out of your internal turmoil. 
You’re stuck because you’re avoiding what you know is meant to be faced.

Today I sat with the old feelings again. I remembered them. But this time, instead of running, I stood up. 
I walked around them in my mind. Looked at them from different angles. Nudged them with my toe to see what would happen. I removed the emotion of it all and examined what was underneath. I held the hand of my creator and looked deep into what had bound me. Then I chose to walk away from the pain again.

It’s always a choice. 
What do you choose today?
x
Meg

p.s - Freedom is yours for the taking. It’s not a whimsical, lucky for them kind of idea. It’s possible for you to walk away from the pain and being stuck. Come join me for the next round of the Journaling Bootcamp. 21 days of online content where I’ll walk you through how to get to a place of clarity through journaling and living in FREEDOM. 
www.megcowan.com/journaling-bootcamp