I’m going to tell you something a little vulnerable about the real reason I knew I had to start using my words and journalling again… and how it matters to you.
So words. Obviously I’m into writing but it’s more than that.
I’m certain there’s freedom in the words that rest right there on the tip of your tongue. What you call your kids, what you call yourself, who you call on for help, what you say about your situation. So much power in words.
I know writing things down and choosing new words changed my life. For real.
Six months ago, I was back on the edge of depression.
I say back because when I was in the grip of fibromyalgia 13 years ago I spent a couple of years on antidepressants. Trying to manage the pain and frustration. It’s not something I talked about openly. Only my counsellor and Evan really knew the extent of what was going on.
But I thought I was done with all that now. I was miraculously better remember and had been for five years!
I had no real reason on the surface to be depressed again.
Beautiful life, loving family, business going well. Everything looked so good. And it was!
But my body was struggling again and when that happens, in my mind it’s really easy to flick right back to thinking like ‘the sick girl’. I had the tools to manage but I wasn’t using them very well.
I know I stagnate when I don’t create but in the move back to NZ I had let life fill up again and the space for creating the way my soul needs to got used by the ‘shoulds' and the 'have to do’s’.
So much doing but I had some internal things that needed processing and I was ignoring it. Pretending it was all fine.
But my body knew it wasn’t somehow.
Randomly throughout the day my muscles were jolting. Like a whole body spasm. Something would stress me, something stupid and little usually and I would have massive muscle jerking spasms. I was going to sleep crying some nights because as I lay down in bed my body would be racked with uncontrollable jolts. Evan would hold me close and try to help but I would get more and more worried until I finally fell asleep.
It went on for over a year after we got back. On the surface during the day I ignored it, got pissed off by it, tried to laugh about it. Tried to keep my mind in the right space about what it all meant.
I went back to naturopaths and doctors. Got a diagnosis of mercury poisoning. Which gave me something external to blame for a while. I did a full detox programme. Kept having actual panic attacks when the muscle spasms wouldn’t stop.
So I hit the edge of depression again.
I knew with everything in me that I didn’t want to go back there though.
Painful as it was, I started to dig back into what was really going on. Using all those tools I had waiting in the wings of my mind.
I realised I felt stuck in a bog of words. All swilling around, going in and going out with no clear purpose.
Building up over days and getting regurgitated in my head.
It was different to when you overthink things. I wasn’t mulling on the negative and making myself feel bad. It was more of a numbness because there were words trying to get out but I wouldn’t give them room or expression.
Until six months ago I did what I do best and I started something new. I started journalling again.
I made the commitment to myself that I would write again. Not just when I was travelling, not just in the times when I thought I needed to process something but every day. Pretty much everyday since then I have journaled and worked through whats happening in my heart.
Sometimes what I write gets to be shared or somedays it’s just for me. But every day I write. Because no matter who it’s for, I know it’s part of what I’m born to do.
Also because I learnt a long time ago that words to me equal freedom. They are freedom and purpose and clarity. They are for divine co-creating and life building.
I knew that underneath it all, I was OK but there was some stuff that needed to get cleared out. I couldn’t lock in down anymore and try to just ignore it.
This year journalling has been the lifeline my soul needed and a lesson I’ve got the chance to learn all over again.
I am so grateful.
People who knew about what was happening physically this last year ask me, ‘how are you doing with that muscle stuff?’.
Now I get to say ‘I’m good. Really good actually’.
I’m honest still, there’s a bit more work to do and occasionally it will pop up. I know it’s an indicator I need to do some more work on something that’s stressing me for some reason and there are some physical things I have to do to keep myself in health but overall I’ve been on a process to change how I think about it.
I mean, isn’t it crazy that without doing it consciously your body can display what is going on in your internal world?!
Except it’s not crazy really. Because science has been telling us this sort of thing for a long time now. There’s even ancient proverbs about it. “As you think in your heart, so shall you be’.
Six months ago as I sat down to write again, I had to choose some new thought patterns for when my body started jolting.
‘Hmm, thanks body for letting me know there’s something thats stressing me out. I’ll do the work to process that but I don’t need that jolting anymore. Goodbye’.
‘God’s got my back and I live in health’.
‘I am strong and well. My body is healed’.
I would literally write things like that in my journal. Let them stew in my mind. The more I wrote, the more automatic it became. Every day I went back to all the things I’d been taught and learnt about allowing my soul space and expression through creating, connecting with God, letting who I am find a home in me.
Is it perfect yet? Not 100%.
But I’d say I’m probably 95% of the way there physically right now.
Now, I’m going to say something else but before I do I need to first say this first:
**If you are suffering from depression or illness PLEASE go and talk to someone. You are so precious! Please get a doctor or counsellor as well as finding some good friends who can support you in this. I have been there and I ABSOLUTELY advocate for getting the help you need**
That said, I think that using words to do the inner work really has a huge effect on your reality and I reckon it can help you.
I’m not going to pretend to have all your answers.
I just want to remind you that YOU have power on the tip of your tongue.
I'm reminding you because I know what it feels like to be stuck and then get FREE again. It is THE BEST feeling in the world.
Remember that anything you want to see created starts first with words of faith. The little hope that you can believe in a different reality to come to life. I don’t know what kind of spirituality you believe in, what your idea of God is, but I am convinced that the world changes on words of faith. Words that bring things to life in our minds and hearts then they get to come into reality.
Is it easy? Not always.
Is it worth it? Well heck yes.
P.s - Wow! Did you read to the end?! Amazing… so you get to hear about this idea.
You might know I’m in the middle of writing a book right now BUT... I just can’t get this other idea out of my mind to do something in the next week or two about journalling.
So I’m gonna go with the gut feeling and let this out.
I’m putting together my best journaling exercises and how to implement the practise of journalling daily for you in a way that really WORKS!.
It will be a kickstart course full of practical content to shift your stagnant thinking fast. To kick those useless old stories out and make room for new ones. To initiate a practice that will give you tools for every level of change and breakthrough you go through.
If you’re keen to get a handle on using your words to shift your reality PM me and I’ll send you the details.