I’m scared to go back there.
Something came up for me this week as I have been doing the #100daysofunfiltered.
I wrote in my journal about my story, even shared a little more recently and now I’m scared to look deeper.
How many times have I told this story now? I don’t want to tell this one anymore.
I don’t want to even remember the sick girl.
Done with it I tell you. DONE!
But here I am, puddling through my work and things to do.
Looking for the flow state. That place where I write and it pours out of me.
The space where it’s art, not system or technique.
I realise, I’m scared to go back to that old time in my mind because what if I lose my voice again.
What if, in exposing what was really deep in my heart, journaling my way through some of those unresolved things, what if I choke again?.
Being sick is a hella disempowering thing.
Your body is under scrutiny by doctors and therapists.
The clarity of your mind is questioned.
The commitment of your friendships is tested.
It’s almost like you’re a stranger looking in.
But this searching. This internal work I’ve been doing.
Well it’s making me look at it from the inside again.
Urghh. It’s uncomfortable. Icky.
I feel physically agitated at the thought of it.
But I know, in a beautiful, guided way, I must go back.
Because all of this is really an inside job.
Much more about the heart than anything else.
Nothing is ever separate.
Your business, relationships, health, thinking, spirituality.
It’s all a part of the same story.
But what I know from this side of the story is that I am always held.
Through every emotion, every fear, every question, I am always OK.
So, I’m surrendering to the process.
Trusting in the divine love that I know holds me always.
Here I go…
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