>> I lied to the specialists and told them I was fine, the week I wrote my goodbye notes <<
Those fancy doctors at the pain clinic with their years of psychology and psychiatry training.
It’s not hard. It’s really not that hard to convince people you’re ok.
You smile a little, nod and say the right things.
Tick the happy side of the boxes on the forms.
You save your crying for at night in bed, rolled over the other way and wait till your partner is asleep.
Or let it rain in the shower, when no one sees.
If you only see your family every couple of months, it’s easy enough to hold it together for two days.
You drink coffee and watch TV with them and talk about the big things you’re dreaming of for ‘one day’ while you try not to think to hard about just getting through this day without them seeing through the cracks.
And you push down the numbness.
That quiet aching.
The tightness in your chest and the inexplicable desire to run.
To run as fast as you can, away from everything.
So you hide under the covers, scroll a little more mindlessly, drink, shop, bury it deeper.
Even now, I know when it’s threatening to creep back in.
I feel it like lead in my gut, rising, tingling through my muscles.
Like an allergic reaction to something I can’t quite place.
The difference is now I run into it.
I run into that feeling. The numb ache takes me to the pages of my journal.
Takes me into my husbands arms instead of pushing him away.
To writing, things like this, to help me make sense of it all.
Because now, when it comes I know it’s for a reason.
It’s telling me something.
Something is out of whack and it’s a reminder I need to shift.
I need movement, or friends to talk to.
I need to look up, beyond my own small space to where I can serve.
Choose good food, to pick up a paint brush, to cosy up with a book and my little pup.
To heal in a deeper way.
It’s my job to dive in.
To hold my breath and duck under the wave.
The work will still be there.
The clients will wait.
You will get it all done eventually, and if you don’t, that’s ok too.
There is so much you’re yet to bring to the world.
Just please remember to STAY.
Cred to my girl Kelly Dunn Mahalak for a post she wrote that got me thinking. She is a woman who knows how to rise above. The sun WILL come out. Thank you for speaking on this too Kelly. So important x