It’s Your Time

I don’t know what possessed Evan to take this photo. 
This photo makes my heart hurt. 

She’s not yet 2. He’s around 5 months old. I’m 27. And I’m done. 

This moment hurts like nothing else hurts.

This is not a tired mum in this picture.  
This is a mum who’s battling chronic physical pain, day in and out. 
Who’s depressed and fights back suicidal thoughts most days. 
Who feels like a burden. 
Who has lost purpose and feels like she’s missed her calling. 


I look back and this still cuts in my heart. 
Even though life looks and feels a whole lot different now, this one hurts.
Because I still remember that grief. 
The grief that life was not stacking up how I thought. 
That I lost years to something outside of my control. 
That I was less than, as a mother and wife and woman in general. 


We can philosophise and say that there was learning in the pain. That my greatest gifts came from that time. 
All true. 
I would not be who I am without this time and I'm so full of gratitude for that. 

But in the middle of those dark nights you don’t care about the gifts. 
You just want OUT. 

Count it all joy when you face trials.. yeah, not so much. 

I got through many many days by the clinging to life with my fingernails, which were not nearly as tidy and manicured as they are these days. 
They were chipped and weak, literally and figuratively. 

>> So why am I even sharing this?

Yes, because I know the other side. I know there's hope and joy and all those good things that I live in now. 

But also because we can all have this in one way or another. 
The feeling that we’ve somehow got wrapped up in a life that wasn’t quite what we were called to. 

Grief about time we’ve lost. 
The belief that we’re not enough. 
Loss of vision and hope for the bigger version of ourselves. 
Feeling like we are stuck. 

But here’s what I want you to notice about that picture. 
You see those folders on the shelf behind me?
They represent the start of my business. 

This is why I know what I know. 
Not because I have a degree in this stuff but because I’ve lived through the fire.  
I’ve started things in spite of myself. 
I know it's possible for you. 

I know that in all your lack and your worry about feeling not enough,
your low key anxiety about what people will think of you,

there’s still the wild in you that says - I am not done here. 
That whispers - look out world, I’m coming for ya.
The longing to live by design, not by default. 

There is a coming home to yourself that is about to happen, 
As you step outside of what you know right now and fall forward into the future. 

You will begin to run. 
To pick up your soul and take flight. 

It’s your time.