Desire
How much desire you have or don't have is not usually the key issue here. Biological considerations aside, a high score here actually just means there's some learning needed to understand the body's dual control mechanism that drives desire and arousal.
If you’re coming to bed late, dreading the hints, feeling like it’s just another thing on the ‘to-do’ list, or feeling guilty for wanting sex more than your partner, your first step on this journey is understanding desire.
Mismatched desire is actually totally normal but purity culture, with its emphasis on abstinence until marriage, can make us feel guilty or ashamed of our desires full stop. We were not supposed to allow our desire before marriage, then we're expected to put a ring on it and be totally in tune with our sexual side. That's just not how desire works!
Small Shifts to Start With.
- Learn more about what desire really is.
- Explore how YOU personally feel desire.
- Give yourself permission to genuinely FEEL it.
And a practical exercise to help you on your way.
This is called taking a Desire Inventory:
- Set aside some quiet time when you won't be disturbed. Find a comfortable place to sit or lie down.
- Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. Bring your attention to your body and notice how it feels.
- Start by asking yourself, "What do I desire right now?" It can be anything from a cup of tea, to connection with a romantic partner.
- Write down your answers in a journal or on a piece of paper. Don't censor or judge yourself, just let the answers flow.
- Repeat this exercise daily for a week. As you do, notice any patterns or themes that emerge.
This exercise is about getting to know yourself better and understanding how you feel desire. It's not all sexual and it's also not about acting on every desire or making any changes in your life. It's about becoming more aware of what makes you feel alive and what you need.
Struggling with desire creates disconnection from your body, puts pressure on relationships and leaves you feeling like you're broken, when you're really not!
Where to from here?
I understand that this is an emotional journey and it's hard to walk alone. Through my courses and one on one coaching I've helped hundreds of people learn what desire is, feel it in their bodies and then give themselves permission to really live FREE.
If you're ready to deal with this issue of desire in your life, the best course for you is How to Want and Enjoy Sex More (without feeling pressure).
It's designed with purity culture survivors in mind, has audio lessons, practical exercises and more to help you with desire. Check it out!
Click on the other roadmap areas to find out more:
Confidence / Body / Connection / Theology